[Lillyth]

Walter, I am so sorry to hear everything you posted. I have debated posting this for quite some time because this is a public forum, but I am in much the same boat as you as far as pain meds go. Except that I really cannot take them. I am allergic to everything other than Fentanyl and Demerol, and neither of them are really long-term pain management drugs. That reaction you have to Percocet? Lemme guess? Violent vomiting for about forty-five minutes? Even if your stomach is empty? Yep. Allergy. Though most doctors do not consider it a "true" allergy as it won't kill you. After my pregnancy with my son, I developed an allergy to marijuana, so that is no longer an option for me either. Unlike most patients with C Spine damage, laying down makes my pain WORSE. So, the only way I can get to sleep each night is to drink myself into a stupor to the point of being able to pass out despite the pain. So I get your world in a way no one else here does. The reason I hesitated to post this is people usually have a *certain* type of reaction when I tell them I drink myself to sleep every night. One I am sure you are familiar with.

No offense to Marlin, but no, do NOT stop mentioning the marijuana. In fact, that should be your first question when you walk through the door. "I use marijuana for pain management. What are your thoughts on that?" If what comes out of their mouth is anything other than what you want to hear, get up and walk out. And yes, I am serious. I have seen three surgeons here in the US in the last year. The first one spent a half and hour lecturing me on my drinking (DUH! I know it's not healthy, hence why I am HERE trying to get you to FIX me!) while at the same time telling me there was nothing he could do for me. The next doc I saw had a little different reaction. He asked me what I was drinking and how much I was drinking of it. When I told him two bottles (yes, two BOTTLES - I have an extremely high tolerance to alcohol and always have) of two-buck chuck per night, his response was "Hey, four dollars a day for pain management? Not bad. That's pretty cheap, in fact." The surgeon after that mentioned something about my using alcohol for pain management. I told him it didn't really manage the pain, it was still there no matter how drunk I got. His response? "Drinking alcohol until you can pass out and get some sleep is still pain management."

Long story short, find yourself a doctor who gets it. There are some out there. You need someone who understands the desperation of someone who cannot (or will not) take pain meds.

As for treating your depression, I have always thought that was a load of BS. Perhaps if they, oh, I don't know, FIXED YOU, you might not be depressed!

You may not be able to afford to go overseas, but at least you have socialized medicine, so you do have some health care available to you.

Like you, I also have a lifetime of physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. To have complex PTSD in the manner I can only assume you and I share is to have no one take you seriously. People do NOT get it unless they have it themselves or are close to someone who has it.

Again, like you, it's not just my back, my whole body is f***ed from a lifetime of trauma. My legs, hips, knees, you name it. And I'm only 35!

I will definitely post more as I have VOLUMES to add (I know I can help you through this because I have gone through it/am still going through it myself), I have to make dinner now since I promised my husband the computer for the rest of the night so he can do his homework.

Hang in there Walter. And please know you are not alone. And please know that at least one person takes your multiple disabilities seriously. I will pm you my email address to in case you need to talk about things you are not comfortable talking about on a public forum.

More later...