[Kelly4ADR]

Henry,

Thanks for being so honest about the process you are going through doubting your decision. I just wanted to plug in my two cents and hopefully this will be helpful.

As a massage therapist of 15 years, dealing mostly with patients of chronic pain and traumatic injury, I can say that your feelings of wanting to feel pain to justify your actions is very, very common. People (including myself as a patient) often describe the mixed feelings after receiving their MRI results, for example, as "relieved there is a real problem and it's not all I my head" versus "upset that there is a real problem and now what do I do."

I also see it on a much smaller scale, when patients come in for an appointment and I ask "How is the pain today?" I often hear sheepish replies such as "well of course it isn't hurting now" or actually watching patients maneuver around, saying "just wait a sec, I can get it to hurt really bad".

If you are an ethical person your conscience needs reassurance that your actions, whether small, like receiving massage to take care of yourself, or taking a grand leap such as you have... Time/money/travel/major surgery, etc...it is very normal to want to feel justified, to have your actions/pain verified.

That being said, from the medical providers position we look at two types of information. Subjective, (what the patients say ie: pain, limitations etc..) and objective(what we find, ie; postural deviations, functional test results, gait issues, diagnostic findings from MRI, CT etc...)

I often tell my patients what I feel and see when I'm working on them, and more times than not I hear this exact comment... "You can feel that? Then it's not just all in my head!" And I actually have to spend some time reassuring patients that it is not all in their head, that I can see and feel the problem as well.

Although for the last 15 years I have helped thousands of people with their pain, I personally have put my own self on the back burner, because for whatever reason I have a very guilty conscience about that. Until I finally heard this year by several surgeons that I need to have this fixed or I will be looking at permanent damage I felt justified. And I still question and have doubt, thinking, my pain isn't really that bad...

So here is food for thought for you....

*you hired a professionals to give their opinion about what you need. You have had more than one opinion. They have all reviewed the subjective information, but they really judge by the objective. Surgery is recommended.

*your idea of pain can be altered due to several variables: tolerance, mindset, posture, sleep position, weather, guilt, activity...etc. you have had bad enough pain in the past to push you down the road of surgical options...

So I feel that I am rambling but bottom line is pain isn't always the driving factor since it is subjective. Trust your surgeon. Your surgery wouldn't be booked with his clinic if he thought you didn't need it. We can be our own worst enemy, judge and critic. This time, rest in the professional opinion that this is what you need. In the mean time, enjoy your good days!! Take a deep breath and take care of yourself mentally and physically so we can all cheer you on through your recovery!!!

I guess my short story turned long, but I hope this helps