caring for a chronic pain patient

[chasswen]

i found this ages ago and thought it would be very helpful to many people whom are caring for a love one in chronic pain.
chuck

Posted May 09, 2005 01:59 AM


Dear Friends,

I had lined up several 'layperson' speakers for the May 1 Patient Symposium in NY. One speaker could not make it to NY because of his own pain levels. His talk was supposed to be about being the spouse of a chronic pain patient. At dinner Friday night, less than 2 days before the conference, I asked my wife, Diane, if she'd consider speaking. I was surprised when she said yes. The next couple of days were amazing as I learned things that I never knew... And she did too.

The most amazing thing she said was, "When we went to Germany for your surgery I was not afraid at all. For the first two surgeries, I was frightened because I knew what could go wrong. You could bleed out, you could be paralyzed. For your third surgery, I felt that if you had complications and were a paraplegic or quadraplegic, I could deal with it... I could handle it better than I could handle the ongoing pain.

Diane told me about a letter she had written to our daughter... 16 at the time. She had been up all night and, at 4am, was sitting at the kitchen table crying. She had forgotten about it until she recently helped our daughter move and discovered that Susan had kept the letter in her treasure box. Diane wasn't sure what it said, she just knew that she wrote it when things were about as bad as they had gotten. We asked Susan to type it into an email, but she wouldn't do it... "I don't want to cry." So she faxed it to us. I was overwhelmed. I had never known things were that bad, but I was living in the fog of pain, Neurontin, Oxycontin, depression, etc... You'll read this letter below... Unedited... Just as it was handwritten about 6 months before my surgery.

We also had some pictures emailed to us to use in the presentation. One family shot shows my forced smile through clenched teeth. In another shot, I was laying on the grass at the Norton Simon Musuem with Taffy, our service puppy. Diane had asked for pictures with Taffy because she wanted to talk about how important the 'pet therapy' was for me. Again, I had forgotten how bad things were and was overwhelmed when I remembered that the outing to the Norton Simon Museum was the first time I ever used a wheelchair.

Diane also talked about how important her support network was for her, and about the need to take care of yourself and family, as well as caring for the spiney. We understand how lucky we were to have had a stable marriage and happy family before my spine problems. I don�t think the situation could have taken much more stress. Our hearts go out to those who don't have a support network like the one that helped us to get through the ordeal. Diane had gotten her RN before we started having kids. She had been a stay-at-home mom for 18 years, then found herself supporting the family, working 12.5 hour night shifts - 7pm to 7:30am.

As all this unfolded, it became clear that this topic is not discussed enough. While we live through our own spinal hells, our family does too. Their lives are destroyed too. I will certainly include sessions about this at future events. I'll include caregiver support issues on the iSpine website.

Here is the unedited letter. I have to say that many of the 'teen daughter' issues have nothing to do with my spine problems and we are simply seeing normal issues between parents and teens. She's 20 now and we never fight any more! Susan, if you are reading this, I love you so much and am very pleased that you are willing to share this with the world. Your saving this letter, and your willingness to share it will help countless others to understand and deal with the horrors they are experiencing as they are dealing with their pain or the pain of a loved one.

quote:

April 6, 2002

Susan,

I can't believe we're at this point. You never talk to me any more unless you want something. I can't stand the fighting between you and Dad anymore. This has been the worst year of my life and there have been many days when I wish I could just pack my bags and leave. It would be so much easier to take care of just myself. That's not the way life works. Life is not always fair or easy and I love everyone too much to leave. Dad is really sick and injured. I know it's been a long time and we are tired of it. I feel like I haven't been very nice to him lately because I'm burned-out and tired. It's not easy to take care of sick people for 12 hours and then come home to someone in pain. I know it seems like he is obsessed with things, but he's trying his best. He is on heavy doses of medications.

I know you feel like you are picked on - you always have. Sometimes I think it's your perception and sometimes I guess I expect too much of you. You are gifted and talented and can accomplish what ever you set your mind to. I wish you would make up your mind to get along with Dad. You need to show him some respect and compassion. He really loves you and has a lot of good things to teach you. He would love to teach you do drive (and you really don't want me for a teacher.) It would be good for him. It would give him something to look forward to. We need another driver in the family. I don't know how much longer Dad will be able to drive. (Don't tell him I said that.) He is still holding on to dreams of being able to play soccer again. I think he will be lucky if he is pain-free and able to walk again.

I'm sorry that I'm grouchy and tired, but I am. Work is very stressful and tiring. I need some rest on my days off. Work has also been good for me. I think that I would go crazy being here all the time with these problems. At least work is an escape to a different world. I'm too busy dealing with other people and their problems to dwell on my own. I work with some wonderful people and without their help I would have quit after two weeks. I can imagine how Dad feels, not being able to support his family. When I realized that Dad wasn't going to be able to return to work, I had a really awful feeling. How can I support us? Will anyone hire me? Do I still have enough knowledge to be a nurse?

I have learned and grown through all of this. Even if Dad could go back to work today, I would continue to work. I would probably work part-time. I NEVER want to feel like I can't support myself again.

I have given you my love and support for years and have many wonderful memories (beach days, walks in the rain, birthdays, swimming, playing with pets, art, dance, gymnastics, etc... ) Some not so wonderful memories too. (chicken pox, concussions, teeth pulled, mono...)

I need your love and support now.

Love,

Mom

PS. Sorry about the writing. I'm too tired to recopy it. Please don't share this letter with anyone else. It's meant to be private.

[CHILLEE]

This is a fantastic piece of literature to share with our group. You are so right, that when we are so involved with taking care of ourselves, that we forget how hard it must be for those close to us to see us like this. It takes a toll just as heavy on our loved ones, just in different ways. I started crying the minute that I read this, thinking of my fiance' and how much she has done through everything that I have been dealing with. I cannot thank you guys enough for publishing this, as it helps to remind us no matter how bad things are, they can(and in alot of cases do)get worse. This just made my day. I am facing alot more procedures in the near future, including a possible revision( scares me to hell and back), but this wonderful piece you shared with all of us reminded me for a split second to be thankful for what is , and what has been, and what may be, will be alright. God Bless all of you as we fight together to support each other. This post just made my day, and I cannot thank you enough! Take care all of you, until then.....