Become a Fighter, not a Victim

[onebluehaze]

I woke up at 6:30am. It should have been a normal morning, getting ready for work, getting a coffee and reading my e-mail at my desk around 8:00am. It was not a normal morning.

I got out of bed feeling okay but then I walked into the bathroom, and it hit me. I didn't know what was happening. Both of my thighs and my low back burned and stung so bad. I took my shower and I thought, "I have to go to work, I have to much to do today" and I put on 3 of those heat raps. One on each thigh and one around my back hoping the heat would relax my muscles/relieve the stinging.

I was at work for a few hours and I couldn't take it anymore. I called my doctor and said my thighs and back hurt and sting. They got me in that day. Took X-Rays that came back okay. Then I was sent for the MRI. The next morning I got a call from my doctor, "You have significant damage to your lower back, we're sending you to a pain specialist." Over a 3 week period I was given 4 nerve root blocks that didn't help, at all.

6 weeks later, the pain is gone but there's this "spot" that if I got into (like bending and lifting) that would hurt. 8 months pass and I am doing okay. I read that most times the disk can heal, so I thought I was in the clear. This is where we divert a little from the back to the brain. I am bipolar and have been under treatment for over 5 years now. I decided one day I was going to buy a gun and "solve my problems". It was not a good time in my life. Now here's where it gets super tricky...

I bought the gun, 9mm. I got the ammo too (it's Alaska, I got it all at my local grocery store just like that). I got into my car and I realized, it was about to be over as soon as I loaded that bullet. That was the moment I realized, the big realization, I wanted to live!! I decided to keep the gun, but I was going to get a lockable fire safe to store it. I headed to Sam's Club and found a medium sized safe for about $200. I national guard man saw me reach for the safe and asked if I would like some help. I'm 135lbs and 5'10" so the help putting it into my cart was appreciated. I think at this point we can see where this is going...

I pay and go out to my car. I bend over the cart and lift it up. It was so heavy I had to set it on the corner of the cart to rest before putting it in the back of the SUV. It was then that I realized what I had just done... It felt like someone taking a butchers knife to hack my lower back in two, constantly. I had to leave my job, not because of my back, that's a WHOLE nother story. I was on cobra, oxycodone 3x a day, started a new job, went 3 months on work, bed rest, work, bed rest, and so on.

I had 3 more epidurals, no help at all. My surgery was August 30th 2011. I was in the hospital for 5 days. I had gone from 135lbs to 112lbs. I wouldn't eat because I was in so much pain from the surgery. ADR at L5-S1. I was on morphine for over a month, I started cutting back on the medication and eating more but couldn't put on weight. When I was off the pain killers I started BAD BAD withdrawals. 12 days with a max of 1.5 hours of sleep a night, cold sweats, paranoia, it felt like hell had taken one leg and wouldn't let go no mater how much I fought. I cannot emphasize enough how horrible this was. I was now fighting for my life because I wanted to take my life.

I found out 3 months later that friends and family would put on a strong face when they saw me, then when out of sight would cry in fear for me. My skin had become grey and my face and chest had sunken in. I was told I looked like I had escaped a concentration camp. I was taken to the ER at the peak of my downfall. I had to see my doctor the next day, I was bleeding when I peed. An ultrasound showed I had a thickened bladder wall, which was highly abnormal. I was put on medication and in 2 weeks I saw my doctor 3 times. The last time he didn't charge me. He said he's never seen anyone recover so quickly from the first day he saw me. My white blood cell count was over 10x the normal amount (all types). My body was still waging an all out war.

I was able to start going to work for 2 hours a day for a few weeks, then 4 hours, 6 hours, and then back to 8 hours. From the incision, hip to center, down everything remains numb over 6 months later. I cannot even feel the left side of my penis.

It took 4 months to find out I was given permanent stitches. When I stretch sometimes is tares the tissue inside and I can feel blood running down my abdomen. Yes, it hurts a lot! I had to be put on muscle relaxers again, permanently due to cramps. I can no longer feel my left knee or shin now. 2 months after the surgery I felt all better, now 6 months later it's all coming back.

My new outlook, don't let go of good times and let the bad ones know you feel fine. Never give up, don't be rushed because hurrying causes mistakes. Live, Love, and never stop fighting to survive!

[Harrison]

Your story is so shocking, I almost don't know what to say. So I'll ask the (not so?) obvious question: what went wrong? Do you have a diagnosis? If I had to hazard a guess, it sounds like you may have gotten an infection when you were you received a catheter.

Please, get better professional help! It sounds like you need a team of diagnosticians to help you figure things out!

[ouch2]

Wow, all I can say is you are a fighter, keep fighting. As Harrison said, you need people behind you,professiomals, figuring out what is going on, please get other opinions, referals.

[onebluehaze]

Harrison, I did get a kidney infection while recovering. I'm overdue for my bladder sonogram. I haven't worried about it because I was told I should be okay. Turns out today something happened that's probably going to send me back to the doctor again... I see that sonogram in my future. :~)

The medical bills are go great, even with VERY good insurance I still owe over $20,000.00 so I try to pay the doctors I need to see often first! HAHA.

[jss]

Haze, what a terrible story! Ditto Harrison; please find some better medical care. Good luck, Jeff